Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
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One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
🤣🤣
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.