So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour