My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it