News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.