Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I beg your pardon?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
yeah no that’s fair
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification