Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
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guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“A little help here, Danny?”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.