I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Worth a try
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?