I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
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I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
me working on my assignments ^-^
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]