am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop laughing at this
reviewed some movies recently
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Just why bro?!
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.