I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD