Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Have kids, they said
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.