Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
You Might Also Like
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The dark side of Canada
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
mood
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF