As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Quadruple digit IQ
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec