me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
incredible book dedication
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
He’s cranky this morning
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*