Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people