Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.