Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.