Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
You Might Also Like
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Kids, do not try this at home!
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx