Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
i’m still crying at this
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
You wish you had this many chins.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.