Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.