DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
You Might Also Like
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!