The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
house sitting!
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.