If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
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If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
so i’m at the stock market right
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
gentlemen, hear me out
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
New comic up. “Ransom”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
January has been Januweary
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand