Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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moms in horror movies
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
This will never not be funny 😭
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.