What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.