[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories