you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Succinctly put.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car