Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Bobby pin
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god