911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
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when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I think about this a lot
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes