My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.