I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I support this random dude and all his protests
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*