Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
B
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything