The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*