Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
you have three unread messages
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips