*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
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My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT