“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
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Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
No laws when master is gone
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.