blocked.
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Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
tis the season
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
sigh
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Whoa 😂
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?