10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Seems kinda suspicious
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe