Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Admin smashed it 😂
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning