Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”