So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
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LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead