[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
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Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
That earthquake could have been an email.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.