Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Yeah. This was me today.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise