Received some very disappointing news today
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This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Not now. I’m deglazing.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No