IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
❤️🦆
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.