And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they鈥檙e reading.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: making cup noodle because it鈥檚 ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he鈥檚 a junior
Still cracks me up
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Asked him his height and he鈥檚 been typing for 2 minutes 馃え
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 馃馃
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what鈥檚 in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don鈥檛 let it be solved on a podcast
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds