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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
*offers Batman cough drops*
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”