Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.