Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I’m aging like a fine banana
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?