They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
🤣
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.